The Book of Calvin
A Collection of Humorous Essays
Copyright 2002 by Bobby Matherne
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Mr. Preston, Man About Town
Calvin Preston, that dashing man about town, can be seen almost any weekend in the French Quarter. Let’s listen to his own words in the way he would describe himself.
“I look like Alvis Presley with a blonde flimsy on each arm in my white tuxedo with the red cumberlin. I always wear a whiff of Stencil Cologne to let you know it’s really me. You might see me driving down Bourbon Street in my red Z with the automatic transom, invitation wood dashboard, and Paretti radial tires, as I make sexual dentures at the girls.
"Once I was on a golf course in the Bahamas wearing my favorite white panoramic hat where I saw three hole-in-one’s made in one day. I said, ‘That should go into the World Book of Genesis!’ That’s a book I read often, being the good Passapaterian that I am. When I need advice, however, I look to Ann Landries for help. Like the time I almost got salamander poisoning from eating undercooked poetry - I really should have gone to my nurse-doctor instead. Well, you can’t have your bread without your jelly, too! Anybody who knows me like a brick would have to agree that I always have a question to any answer.
“My favorite Christmas song is Always in a Manger and I love to give a bouquet of baby breasts to my girl when we go dancing. I also love fishing but once I got upset by the sight of some green allergy growing in the bottom of the boat and I stopped going. I’m also afraid of crickets, spiders, snakes, and I know from personal experience that birds make honey and bees sting.
"Once while playing Trilogy Pursuits, someone asked me a question I didn’t know the answer to, and in frustration I foundered my private parts and said I was a blind victim of innocence.
"But I’m always interested in others. For example once when it was too windy in the room, I asked Chuck to raise the window down to block the draft. I am very respectful of others’ sensibilities and always call them ‘Miss’ or ‘Mister’.
"If I ever should make a fort in public I might distract everyone by saying that my shoes are untied and begin eyelitting them. Once while camping I was so afraid of getting chitters on me that I began to breathe in very quickly and started hibernating right there in front of everyone.
"In addition I have one bountiful spot: my love of animals - that is except for dogs with dirty breath.
“With all my faults everyone loves me because of my personal magnification. I may not be as famous as Robert Nero, Ben Shaw, Bugs Boney, or Alvis but what I have is tile and that’s what counts.”
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Did you have a problem understanding what original expression or figure of speech that Calvin worked his malapropic magic upon? If so, we've included a Glossary of terms for you to search so that you may restore your mind to its normal, pre-calvin condition upon finishing each chapter or the entire book.
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