The Book of Calvin
A Collection of Humorous Essays
Copyright 2002 by Bobby Matherne
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The Wild One Eats His Way Through Paris!
Darlene, get me tickets to Italy. I want to go see the Eiffel Tower!” Calvin shouted into his intercom.
“But Mr. Preston, that's in Paris!”
“Well, Italy and Paris are a country!”
“OK, I'll book you on Air France to Paris.”
“Thanks, Darlene, but I'd rather take a plane.”
“Sure. Would you like Business Class?”
“No, I hate school. I'd just like some French pastry, some French scenery, to just be in the place where everyone says when you sit down for a meal, 'Bon Ala Lafitte!'”
“You mean, Bon Appetit?”
“Yeah, that's it. Boney Feet!”
The next day the Air France stewardess placed a dinner tray of crabmeat covered with cheese in front of Calvin. “Hmmm, hmmmmm! Crabmeat au Grotto! My favorite!” After dinner, Calvin finished his second glass of wine and began singing, “There ain't a mountain so high that could reach the sky!”
That evening Calvin met his three friends, Danny, Tim, and Steve at a Paris brasserie. When the waitress came by, Calvin told her, “Cherie, you smell like a pooperee!” The waitress took it as the compliment Calvin intended and said, “Your order, Monsieur, s'il vous plait.”
“That's what I want! Seafood Plate!” While waiting for dinner Calvin excused himself to go to the restroom. He came back immediately and said, “Hey Guys, somebody stole the toilet. There's only a hole in the floor.” Danny explained to Calvin that this was customary for men's rooms in Paris, and how to place his feet on either side of the hole and squat. When Calvin came back, he was feeling proud that he had mastered the Parisian technique. He was also proud about something else. “You should have seen my turd - it was my prize possession. If only I could savor it.” The look on everyone's face rattled Calvin, who started to sit down and sat on the arm of the chair by mistake. He jumped up yelling, “Tim, you Dippus-Marippus! You made that chair seduce me! It went up my careetozoids!”
Tim, to get even, playfully reached over and goosed Calvin. This goosing happened so often that Calvin was nervous about walking in front of Tim, especially if Tim was carrying an umbrella since that greatly extended his reach. In this instance, Calvin began to shutter all over and said, “Tim! You started a chain reaction!”
Steve, trying to change the subject, said, “I almost didn't make the trip with you guys. I tried to get Roy to change my vacation, but he kept barking about doing it.”
A street peddler came by and tried to sell Tim a ticket on the Paris Lottery, but Tim declined saying, “That's too much of a long horse.” The music from the bar was blaring into the dining room and Danny recognized an American rock song. “That song has 'santanic lyrics, '” he said and all the guys agreed with him.
Calvin and Tim went off on their own to find McDonald's on the Champs d'Elysee. Calvin said, “I wanta get me a Lean McKeen.” Walking along the Seine River, Calvin spotted the carcass of a river rat lying on the concrete banks of the river and commented, “That's no longer an endangered species, it's a dead animal.” They passed through Tivoli Gardens and saw a small whitetail deer. “Look!” Calvin said, “there's a dosgris!”
“What's that?” Tim asked.
“A dosgris, a dosgris, you know, a dwarf doe. Hey! I'm speaking French!”
“I thought a dosgris was a kind of duck, Calvin, a dumb duck.”
“Okay, so I got it backwards. I got anorexia, so?”
“You mean dyslexia?”
“Yeah, dyspepsia!”
They walked over to the Ile de la Cite', visited Notre Dame Cathedral, and then walked to the Latin Quarter to the Moulin Rouge. “We're just as busy as two little beavers in a bee today, aren't we, Tim?” Calvin said. Tim had to agree.
At a store along the Rue d'Rivoli Calvin stopped to buy himself some high top tennis shoes. “How do you like my high waters?” he asked Tim. Calvin had forgotten his wallet at the hotel and asked Tim if he'd pay for the shoes. The salesman brought the credit card slip for Tim to sign and Calvin told Tim, “Okay, get your handy cock ready.”
Later they rejoined Danny and Steve at the American Drugstore where they compared notes about the sights they had seen that afternoon in Paris. Steve said, “Did y'all see that pregnant woman outside the drugstore?” Calvin said, “Yeah! She looked like Ethel Williams. You know, the famous swimming actress that Howard Huge designed a special pregnancy bra for.”
Tim said, “Did you see those bums by the Arche de Triomphe?” “Yeah,” Calvin said, “they looked just like the bums on Jackson Square Street.”
“We saw that famous Hawaiian singer,” Danny said, “you know, Don . . . , Don . . . ”
“Oh yeah, I know,” Calvin blurted, “Don Juan!”
Steve chimed in, “We also saw one of the Beetles!”
“Which one,” Calvin asked, “Paul McCarthy?”
While they were talking, Calvin was dripping his snow cone all over the floor of the American Drugstore. Dan chided him, “Calvin, you're making a big mess!”
“I can't help it! They put too much ice in my snowball so it melted too fast!”
Tim said, “Y'all should’ve seen Calvin on the Champs d'Elysee!”
“Yeah. I was struttin' myself - I was a cocker!”
The next morning the four had just finished petite dejeuner and Tim asked Calvin if he had liked the croissants and cafe au lait. “Did I? I ate the dogshit out of it!”
They had planned a foursome for golf on a small nine-hole course near the Tuileries garden. Steve commented that the course resembled the Fashion Golf Course back in Hahnville. Calvin said, “Yeah, I know that course like the inside of my hand! Look at it! See the big M in my hand? Stands for Moron!”
When they were teeing off, Steve noticed Calvin was not wearing his favorite golf shirt and asked him what happened. Calvin said, “My golf shirt? I forfeited it by reasonable doubts. I hope I don't look like a rag pickle.”
“You mean 'rag-picker'?”
“Yeah, that's what I said.”
That night they attended the Folies-Bergère and Calvin told one of the chorus girls, “Gail, you have nice big, long hips.”
As the show progressed, Calvin said, “Those gals are busy as a bee pod! They move so fast they make my eyes blurry.” Later when Calvin returned from the men's room he had a funny look on his face.
“What happened?” Steve asked.
“Well I paid this old lady seven francs to use the hole in the floor and when she threw me the keys I couldn't see them and they hit me in the crouch. Boy, there were definitely stars in the air tonight!”
They had received an invitation to the Embassy Ball and Danny saw the RSVP. “What's that mean?”
“That means Reserved Seating, Very Personal,” Calvin explained authoritatively.
“Didn't you go to the Embassy Ball in New Orleans last year, Calvin?” Steve asked.
“Yeah, Steve, I was supposed to, but I was too busy sitting in a hospital.”
“Do you think we'll ever come back to Paris for an Embassy Ball after we do this one, Calvin?” Steve asked.
“I don't know, Steve, it all depends on what the future lies.”
And who knows on what lies the future depends.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ Glossary for Book of Calvin Essays ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
Did you have a problem understanding what original expression or figure of speech that Calvin worked his malapropic magic upon? If so, we've included a Glossary of terms for you to search so that you may restore your mind to its normal, pre-calvin condition upon finishing each chapter or the entire book.
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