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The Book of Calvin GLOSSARY

Illuminating the Collection of Humorous Essays

Copyright 2002 by Bobby Matherne

After you've found the term you are interested in, perhaps you'd like to try another of the Collection of 20 Humorous Essays.
For background information on how the Book of Calvin came about, read Book 1.

To Read a Specific Essay, Click on Its Number:
01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

~ Do a Find to Locate on this Page a Term and Recover its Original Meaning ~


Did you have a problem understanding what was the original expression or figure of speech that Calvin worked his malapropic magic upon? If so, we've included a this Glossary of Terms for you to search so that you may restore your mind to its normal, pre-calvin condition upon finishing each chapter or the entire book.

If you have experienced problems recalling the correct phrase after reading Calvin's creative interpretation of it, this glossary is for you. Consider it as an antidote or a RESET button for returning control of your original language capability to you. While preparing this glossary, I first put the correct translation for "beat you with a red-headed child" as "beat you with a red-headed stepchild" which was close -- the correct phrase being, of course, "beat you like a red-headed stepchild." Like a good parent holding a spoon of medicine in front of your mouth, I say, read on, it's good for you.

Calvinism - Translation

1492 - according to Calvin: the year the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock (They landed in 1620; 1492 was actually the year Columbus discovered the America.)

a bad case of diuretics - a bad case of diarrhea

a day that will live in infiny - an attempted quotation of FDR's famous words about December 7, 1941, "a day that will live in infamy"

a dollar short and a day long - a day late and a dollar short

a done-did - a done deal

a feast de la resistance - combination of a feast and a piece de resistence

a fresh of breath air - a breath of fresh air

a gander walk - a jaunty walk

a good marching band guy - a good drum major

Alaska-Siberian husky - Siberian husky (husky derives from shortening of eskimo)

a leprosy fit - an epileptic fit

a lump on a log - a bump on a log

a mind like memory - a good memory

a new additive party - a new addition to our party

a real snobby in the grass - combination of "a real snob" and "a snake in the grass"

a sex-crazed hemophiliac - a sex-crazed nymphomaniac

a side of chocolate - a slab of chocolate

a slap in the Bible - a slap on the Bible

a slip of words - a verbal slip

a stragetic mistake - a strategic mistake

a victim of my own circumstances - a victim of circumstances

a wet spot in my Daddy's pants - Calvin's view of a person's state prior to conception

a fast go-getter - a go-getter that operates very quickly

a zoom lens of it - (best guess) a telephoto shot of it

Acorn's Jewelry Store - Aucoin's Jewelry Store (downtown New Orleans)

add anti-freeze to my car's AC unit - add refrigerant fluid (Freon) to my car's AC unit

aersoling the greens - aerating the greens

Al Cleavage - Wally Cleaver (in TV show, Leave It To Beaver, the Beaver's older brother)

all there in black and blue - all there in black and white

Alvis - Elvis (Elvis Presley, rock and roll singer and actor)

Always in a Manger - Away in a Manger

ample theater - amphitheater

amputate them - (of potatoes) cut them in half

Am I right or am I lying? - Am I telling the truth or am I lying? or Am I right or wrong?

an interial decorator - an interior decorator

an injection seat - an ejection seat

an osmosis - a mimosa (drink with orange juice and champagne)

anchavees -- it's the plural of anchovies

anglish turn - (combination of angular turn and a turn requiring some english, like on a cue ball)

Ann Landries - Ann Landers(newspaper columnist, twin sister of Dear Abby)

anorexia - dyslexia

anthelon - according to Calvin: Olympic event like the Decathlon, but only one event

anti-human - inhuman

A. P. O. Schwartz - F. A. O. Schwartz (famous toy outlet in New York City)

apple that Cinderella had when she was crucified - Snow White when she was poisoned

applediesiac or appledaysiac - aphrodisiac

artificial insinuation - artificial insemination

Aspi Lamonte - Asti Spumante

Audrey Heffern in the African Queen - Katherine Hepburn in the movie, African Queen (Audrey Hepburn films: My Fair Lady and Breakfast at Tiffany's)

automatic transom - automatic transmission

Awuminum - aluminum (Calvin's pronunciation: uh - womb - mee - numb)

baby breasts - baby's breath (small white flowers used in floral arrangements)

backsdoorsmen - combination of outdoors men and backwoodsmen

bad with memories - has a bad memory

ball repair marker - ball mark repairer

bafflegab - coined word to denote Calvin's speech patterns

Barbarian Cremes (a.k.a. Ball-bearian Cremes) - Bavarian Creme filled doughnuts

Batman said to Jack Nicklaus - Batman said to Jack Nicholson (in Movie Batman)

Bayou Couch - Bayou Gauche (small community outside New Orleans)

beat the occupants mercifully - beat the occupants mercilessly

beat you with a red-headed child - beat you like a red-headed stepchild

beignet - bidet (a beignet is a New Orleans donut covered with powdered sugar)

Ben Shaw - Ben Crenshaw (1995 Master's Winner)

between here and now - right now

big black bird - (best guess) Maltese Falcon

Big Pilgrim - variation of Big Boy

Big Boy - term of endearment for Calvin's close friends (origin: may be Bob's Big Boy restaurants)

Big Enchilada - Big Apple (New York City's nickname, New Orleans is Big Easy)

Bill Peco - Pecos Bill

birds make honey and bees sting - (best guess) bees make honey and birds sing

birthmark on my nine iron - scuff mark on my nine iron

Black, White, and Red - Red, White, and Blue (Goodwill-type store)

blind victim of innocence - innocent (combination of "I was an innocent victim" and "a case of blind justice")

blind as a Batman - blind as a bat

blithereens - combination of smithereens and oblivion

blocks the shade - lets the sun come in

blue harvest over the moon - combination of blue ribbon harvest and once in a blue moon

body gets adequated - body gets acclimated

boil them live - (of potatoes) boil them with their skins on

Bon Ala Lafitte! - Bon Appetit!

bone and the finger - (best guess) boney finger

boomin' idiot - bloomin' idiot

bottled down - bogged down

bourgeois pants - boudoir pants

bowel language - foul language

bracket water - brackish water (slightly salty inland marsh water near the gulf)

Bringham, Barney, and Bailey circus - Ringling Bros, Barnum, and Bailey circus

broaden the horizon - broaden his horizon

bubble gum for flies - (a Venus flytrap has a sticky substance that attracts flies, like bubble gum attracts kids, and bubble gum is sticky)

buck and a boe - buck and a doe

Buddy Holiday Story - Buddy Holly Story (movie)

Buenos Aires - Buick Riviera

Bugs Boney - Bugs Bunny

busy as a bee pod - combination of beehive and pea pod

busy as two little beavers 'n a bee - combination of busy as a bee and busy as a beaver

Butter me timbers! - Shiver me timbers!

by the foot of my heel - by the heel of my foot

Calm your jets - cool your jets, settle down

canceled their lives - revoked their life sentences

can't have your bread without your jelly - can't have your cake and eat it too

can't keep anything sacred - can't keep anything secret

Carbonating up - carbohydrating up or, as Calvin might say it: short for carbing up.

Careetozoids - butt

Cereal de Bergerac - Cyrano de Bergerac (see also Sergio de Bergerac)

chestnuts open on a roasting fire - chestnuts roasting on a open fire

Chinese-Mexican - used to refer to Genghis Khan

chism - chisel

chitters - chiggers

chomping away at the bit - champing at the bit (idiomatic for impatience)

class-a-phobia - combination of class-phobia and claustrophobia

clanged to me - did cling to me (no acceptable past tense, but that never stopped Calvin)

Clerk Kent - Clark Kent

closet case - basket case

coacher pickles - kosher pickles

cocker - rooster (strutting like a cock)

cockpits - armpits

collimer - collimater (device for creating parallel rays)

come-as-you-want party - come-as-you-are party

concrete timbers - concrete borders for my flower beds

consemplate - contemplate

continents - consonant - the non-vowel letters of alphabet

cordless - according to Calvin: doesn't have any batteries

corrobulated - corroborated

Cosmo-reatard - a jerky person (in Calvin' words, "short for asshole")

Cosmo-reatard, Jr. - not a fully developed Cosmo-reatard

councilman - counselor

country songer - country singer

Crabmeat au Grotto - crabmeat au gratin

Cratchet Wrench Set - ratchet set

crippled snake - (best guess) crooked snake

cross-thread - (when a nut is placed at an angle on a bolt and it cuts across a thread, this process is call cross-threading -- apparently Calvin felt his feet had crossed each other similarly)

crotch - crutch

cubic zucchinium engagement ring - cubic zirconium engagement ring

cumberlin - cummerbund

Cut the sleeves -- hit the track! - (best guess) Cut the slack!

Darvil - combination of Darvon and Advil (handy word if you have a headache)

days of Deliverance - biblical-like reference to the 1970's movie, Deliverance

D. C. Hammer - famous rapper, M. C. Hammer

deader than a doorknob - deader than a doornail

dead pedestals for petals - dead petals

deck the halls with balls of folly - deck the halls with boughs of holly

dietetic coma - diabetic coma

Did you ever dance in the pale of the blue moon? - Did you ever dance in the pale moonlight?

didn't sleep an ounce - didn't sleep a wink

digs itself a foot in the ground - (best guess) digs himself a hole in the ground

Dillie's at Lakeside - Dilliard's department store in Lakeside Shopping Center

ding-dong, thing-thing - euphemisms for penis

Dippus-Marripus - a creepy person, especially one who is undependable

dirt and pretty - nice and pretty

dirty breath - bad breath (in dogs esp.)

dog bag - dirt bag (industry jargon for contract worker)

do you have any condoms for rent? - do you have any condos for rent?

Dolly Polly - Dolly Parton(Country singer and actress)

Don Juan - Don Ho (Hawaiian singer and entertainer, song: Tiny Bubbles)

don't let them kid yourself - don't let them kid you

Don't put any more fire on the flames - Don't put any more fuel on the fire.

dosgris - in Cajun, a black duck ( a.k.a. lesser scaup)

double-nut spy - double-naught spy

Mr. Jekyll and Dr. Hyde - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (famous horror movie about dual personality)

droop depression - combination of drooping and depression

E-regular azmutt of aloven degrees - irregular azimuth of eleven degrees

Earl Jones James - James Earl Jones (actor, film: Clear and Present Danger)

East Jeff-Sermonian - East Jeffersonian (graduate of East Jefferson High School)

eating her curls away - eating her curds and whey (nursery rhyme: Little Miss Muffet)

eight o'clock in the morning -- don't be dirty - he meant to say: eight-thirty, don't be dirty

embuttment - embankment (sounds so much like a real word)

end of my ropes - end of my rope

ESP -- extra sensual perception - extra sensory perception

ESPN - extra sensory perception

Ethel Williams - Ester Williams (famous swimmer and movie star)

Ethiopianing away - wasting away

eucharist - uterus

eulick - eunuch

Eurethra! - Eureka!

everybody's got skulls in their closet - everybody's got skeletons in their closet

Exclamento! - (best guess) Excellent and worthy of Exclamation!

excremated - cremated combined with excrement


eye-boggling - mind-boggling for the eyes

Eye-to-eye contact - hand-to-eye coordination

eyelitting - tying (as in tying shoelaces)

Fabio - Favio - (Italian male model)

fart boxing - seeing who can make the louder fart sounds (real or imitations)

fateek - see fatique'

fatique' - physique

feeling pastel - combination of feeling pastoral and feeling mellow

Felice Favida - Felice Navidad (Merry Christmas in Spanish)

Felix Under - Felix Unger (of the Odd Couple, TV show)

fellow neighbors - fellow man (fellow and neighbors both mean kindred, therefore a redundancy)

fill my yard with erosion - add fill dirt in my yard to prevent erosion

first served, first come - first come, first served

fits the cake - combination of takes the cake and fits to a tee

flavor-taste test - taste it

flimsy - floozie

floating on a cushion of fresh air - (best guess) walking on air

floormat my mind - format my mind (like a computer disk?)

Florida Nightingale - combination of Florence Nightingale and sings like a nightingale

fluttered - (best guess) sputtered

fort - fart

fossil-type frogs - immature frogs

foundered - fondled

foundering - fondling

Fred Astaire - Red Adair (famous oil well fire-fighter) (actually dancer and actor; film: Top Hat)

full facial figure - full-bodied figure

full pledged - full fledged

fumigate - (combination of fume and ferment)

gackling - combination of cackling and gabbing

gaffling hooks - grappling hooks

get my curios pushed back - get my cuticles pushed back

get two stones with one bird - get two birds with one stone

get the wingtips trimmed from my hair - long curled up ends of his hair extending past his collar girls girls wearing pastries - girls wearing pasties

giving you the upper hand - (best guess) giving you a hand up

golf coast - golf course

Gonad the Barbarian - Conan the Barbarian (likes creme filled donuts)

go-getter - go-for or gopher - one who fetches things

grappling and gaffling - grappling (to grab with the hands, gaffling is not in dictionary, yet)

green allergy - green algae

gremlin - mouse ( a computer pointing tool)

Grizzly Bear - (best guess) Grizzly Adams

grossify - yuck

grout - grouse

hairy medicine - steroids (cause excessive hair growth)

Hamlet Chapter 2, Scene 3 - used to explain a verbal gaffe (note Hamlet has Acts, not Chapters)

happily-owned property owners - happy property owners

Hari Kari moves - Hai Karate moves (Note: Hara Kiri is Japanese suicide by self-evisceration.)

Hark the herald angels sing, tralalala-la, trala-la-la - . . . fa la lah la lah - la lah lah lah

have a question to your answer - have an answer to your question

have in comparison - have in common

he had excess - he had access

headway news - headline news

hear the better light of day tomorrow - hear better in the light of day tomorrow

hearing the tip of the iceberg - seeing the tip of the iceberg

heartbreaking, throbbing situation - subjective description of Calvin's visceral responses to walking into a health club full of beautiful women in tight briefs.

harky-dorrey - malarkey (humbug or nonsense)

He's gonna have a kick with your ass - He's gonna kick you in your ass

he who laughs first, laughs last - (standard)he who laughs last, laughs best (or longest);

(my favorite version) he who laughs, lasts

hibernating - hyperventilating

hieroglyphic dance - an Egyptian dance

high waters - trousers rolled up to calf

Hildenburg - Hindenberg - giant dirigible burned over New Jersey airfield.

hiney-hole - rectum

hit some high keys - hit some high notes

Holly haunted house - Halloween haunted house

Holy Moses - name of Dudley Moore movie

homo sexuals - homo sapiens

hopscotch - a hop and a skip

Howard Huge - Howard Hughes- film and aircraft magnate (may have designed bra for his famous actress girl friend, Terry Moore, who knows for sure?)

hyphen - usually interchangeable with apostrophe

I can't read that. The light is shining on it. - (repeated theme) with his impaired vision too much light makes it difficult for Calvin to see.

I can see as long as there's no light - although a true statement for Calvin's diabetic eyes, he's not aware of the humor of his statement.

I don't want to be in front of you or behind you - I don't want to be anywhere near you

I got that moving energy - (best guess) I'm agitated

I got light meat - I weigh less

I got information of my eye - I got inflammation of my eye

I bypassed your office - I passed by your office

I gotta head myself up! - (best guess) I gotta get headed out!

I put the shoe on the other foot - I tried imagining if the shoe were on the other foot

I have this mental telepathy mind - I have mental telepathy.

I have Eureka! - Eureka! (Word spoken by Archimedes as he ran naked through the streets of Syracruse - no, not New York - after he discovered the concept of density)

I fit the tee. - (best guess) It fits me to a tee.

I got anorexia - I got dyslexia (anorexia is a pyschosomatic disorder resulting in superthin bodies)

I just sat there with my fingers sticking up my butt - (backfit of the injunction: Don't just sit there with your finger in your butt, do something!)

I met my heaven - combination of I met the girl of my dreams and she was heavenly

I need to know one question - I need an answer

I'll castrate her -(best guess) I'll decapitate her (castrate is removal of testicles - did she have some?)

I'll cornhusker you - (best guess) I'll cornhole you (old metaphor going back to outhouse days)

I'm a rightie, Rob, not a leftie - (exquisite confusion here) actually, golf gloves go on the opposite hand (left hand for right handed golfers, and vice versa)

I'm dead lying - (best guess) I'm dead right

I'm out in left space. - I'm out in left field.(reference to baseball park-idiom for out of mainstream)

I'm starvion - I'm starving

I'm wringing him out - (best guess) I'm leaving him out.

I'm shot out of luck - combination of shit out of luck and shut out

I'm wimped - I'm whipped

I've got my troubles, you've got mine - I've got my troubles, you've got yours

incardeato - incognito (latin expression for in disguise)

in memorative of you - to commemorate you

innocent victim - (Is there such a thing as a guilty victim? If not there can't be an innocent one.)

insult thy fellow neighbors - insult thy fellow man (fellow and neighbors both mean kindred)

intimate self-conscious - (best guess) intuition

invitation wood - imitation wood

I pride in my yard - I take pride in my yard (pride is an intransitive verb to Calvin)

it makes me see blind - it makes me close my eyes

it healed up sore - combination of it healed and it ended up sore

It forms in its own water - Calvin's theory of volcano formation (actually how Hawaii formed)

That fits the cake, don't it? - That takes the cake, don't it?

it's ineligible - it's illegible

it's like picking teeth from Danny - it's like pulling teeth for Danny

I got eyes behind my ears - I've got eyes behind my head

it's raining so hard, I can't find my drawers - (anybody's guess - is this a real song?)

I want to express the moment - (best guess) I want to savour the moment

Jackson Square Street - Jackson Square

Jean Nateece diet - Jenny Craig diet

Jergens cow - Jersey cow

Jerry Humbledink - Englebert Humperdinck (popular singer of 70's)

Jimmy Swaggner - Jimmy Swaggart (TV evangelist and public crier)

jingle, jaggle, jingle - jingle, jangle, jingle

jingle, jangle, jingles calling me - the slot machines are calling me

Joe Jitsu - jujitsu (self-defense art)

judge finally threw Santa Claus out of court - in Miracle on 34st Street, judge threw the case out of court, thereby accepting that it was the real Kris Kringle playing Santa Claus.

Julie-of-All-Trades - female Jack-of-all-Trades

jumping cables - jumper cables

Jurman name - combination of German and Jewish names

keep it for prosperity - keep it for posterity

keep my mouth silent - keep my mouth shut

keep this under your skin - keep this a secret

knows me like a brick - knows me like a book

Lean McKeen - McLean hamburger

leap-second year - (best guess) New York second

leave now or earlier - I should have already left by now

Life Is Wonderful - It's a Wonderful Life (Christmas movie with Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed)

Light Feather - light as a feather (Indian Name?)

like water off a duck's feather - like water off a duck's back

like throwing dirt on top of the pain - like throwing salt in the wound

lip service - chewed him out verbally

Lloyd Christopher - Christopher Lloyd (actor of Taxi and Back to the Future)

Long Cheney - Lon Cheney, famous movie star of 40's and 50's

log of rhythms - (best guess: logarithms)

look ripe and smiffy - (best guess) look nice and spiffy

looking dirt and pretty - looking nice and pretty

Look who's calling the kettle black! - You're the pot calling the kettle black!

Lord and Behold! - Lo and Behold!

love and tender and care - tender loving care

LPG - liquidified petroleum gas

LSU Bingo Tiger - LSU Bengal Tiger

lucked our butts out - (combination of lucked out and played our butts off)

lump on a log - bump on a log

made my heart flubber - (best guess) made my heart do flips (Flubber - Walt Disney Movie)

make your tongue get hard and your dick reach up and slap your brains out - make your dick get hard and your tongue reach up and slap your brains out

making sure it's naughty or nice - making sure it's clean

malagmites - stalagmites (go up) (mnemonic: Mites go up and Tites go down)

malapropism - named after Mrs. Malaprop in The Rivals by Richard B. Sheridan(1751-1816) who was famous for her ludicrous misuse of words (distant relative of Calvin, we believe)

Marty Feldman - comedian and actor of 1960's, film: Young Frankenstein

Mel Di Marcos - Melda Marcos (wife of Fedinand Marcos, head of Philippines for many years)

mental celebrity - combination of mental ability and celebrity

metric mile - according to Calvin: 52,000 yards(closest thing: a kilometer - about 5/8 of a mile)

Michael London - Michael Landon, TV star of Bonanza and Little House on Prairie

middle class - intermediate class

middle of a hot potato - (oblique reference to idiomatic expression referring to tossing a problem from one person to another like a hot potato - so it only stays a short time in anyone's hands. Alternate expression: flinging the monkey)

mini-micro-processor - mini-food-processor

Minuet Towers - minaret towers - used for prayer in Arab countries

mis-advertisements - combination of mistake and advertisement

Miss Pageant - won a beauty pageant

motion-movie camera - (combination of movie camera and motion picture camera)

molder points - (best guess) the points of my molars (teeth)

molestering - molesting

money to pay for her diary - money to pay for her dowry

moose tache - moustache

Mosque Code - Morse Code

Moss code - Morse code

move my garden hose to a new spigot - find a new woman

Mr. Expertise-Rubberbandio! Calvin's name for expert at rubber band shooting

Mr. Suave' Boner - Soave Bolla (brand of wine) sounds like a suave man's name

Mr. whoever G. Thompson is - Mr. G. Thompson (but Calvin didn't know what the G. stood for)

Mrs. Trigger - Dale Evans' horse (obviously married to her husband, Roy Rogers' horse, Trigger)

Muchos groceries - muchos gracias

muddle puddle - combination of a confusing mess (muddle) and a messy confusion (puddle)

murdered himself - committed suicide

mushroonies- mushrooms

Muslins - Muslims

my splash poop things - cowboy chaps

my brain is facing forward -(best guess) my heart is in the right place

my ball walked across the water - my ball skipped across the water

my entire life has been drained from me - (best guess) drained of energy

My expenses match my outgo - My expenses match my income

my thing-thing blesses itself - (anybody's guess on this one) see thing-thing

my etiquette - (best guess) my way of talking

Natalie Cole - Natalie Wood (as a child star in Miracle on 34st Street)

national state park - national park in a state

Nazi wars - World War II

negatoriola - Italian form of "negatory" -- from the Army form of 'no'

Never Never World - - Never Never Land (Peter Pan: "I want to fly and never, never land.")

new red Feeario - new red Ferrari (Italian sports car)

New York peppermint bar - New York mint (a popular candy, sold individually at restaurant cash registers)

niece-sister-in-law - the wife of my nephew

Nifty Ditty Girt Band - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band (popular band of the 1960's)

nipplemaniac - nymphomaniac (woman with abnormal craving for sex)

North Fork pine - Norfolk Island pine (popular indoor potted plant native to island in South Pacific)

nurse-doctor - combination of nurse and doctor

on a cline - on an incline

oncoming boobs - visualize incoming missiles aimed at your chest

one-eyed bandit - (at the time Calvin could only see out of one eye and had to use a large magnifying glass to see at all. He was very close to the proverbial phrase, blind in one eye and can't see out of the other one.)

one-finger push-button - push-button

on-the-tray - entree

out-tower - is taller than

panoramic hat - Panama hat

Panoramic Joe - Panama Jack

parachuted up - floated up a like parachute (if parachutes floated up instead of down)

Paretti radial tires - Parelli radial tires (Paretti is name of a local car dealership)

Passapaterian - Presbyterian

pattern is stoned in granite - pattern is carved in granite

Paul McCarthy - Paul McCartney (original Beatles member, songwriter)

paving sayroll plan - payroll saving plan

Payne Stewart - professional golfer (known for his original Scottish attire)

Peco River - Pecos River

personal magnification - personal magnetism

pervertial person - perverted person

pessimates him - post-castration syndrome (it makes him pessimistic)

pictorial muscles - pectoral muscles

piece of stone with concrete between it - (best guess) brick

Piggy Wiggy - Piggly Wiggly Supermarket

Platex living gloves - rubber gloves (oblique reference to old TV commercial for Platex living bra)

porch eggs - eggs found under the porch (actually I think he meant poached eggs)

portable Chocolate Crunches - miniature Chocolate Crunches

posique - combination of physique and pose

potholes - deep fishing holes

pounced the ball - hit the top of the ball with my club

poundy-poundy - beat fast and loudly

Preemypress - PermaPress

Prickly Diet - Pritikin Diet

prosecute - protoscope

put fire in her bubble - (best guess) get her all steamed up

put hair on your chest - standard cliche here, except Calvin said it to a woman

put out a momentum - put out a memorandum

radiator fuel - anti-freeze (ethylene glycol - know to kill pets)

raise the window down - raise the window up

Ramsey - Rameses

Read it, weep it, and sign it. - combination of Read it and weep. and Sign it.

read the spies - (best guess) deciphered secret code messages

real stuck up in the nose - combination of real stuck up and with her nose in the air

really bottles my mind - really boggles my mind

reaped of the scent - reeked of the scent

re-erect - resurrect

reframe myself from it - refrain from it

refurbitated - farted

re-illerating - reiterating

repuddle - combination of repudiate and rebuttal

rickety-rackety pinion steering - rack and pinion steering

ridicured - ridiculed

riling my feathers - riling me

Rin-Tin - Rin Tin Tin (famous dog movie star)

rinkedy-dinkedy - (best guess) sound of coins hitting the tray at the bottom of slot machine

Road Elephant - Rogue Elephant

Robert Louis Stevenson -(1850-94)Scottish novelist and poet (quote: "Old and young, we are all on our last cruise.")

Robert Nero - Robert De Niro (movie star)

Rolodex watch - Rolex watch

rubber banjos - (best guess) banjos with rubber bands for strings

ruffling my dandruff. - ruffling my feathers (he got the first word correct here)

rumpled my feathers - ruffled my feathers (and the second word correct here)

rumple your ruffles - ruffle your feathers (missed 'em both here)

salamander poisoning - salmonella poisoning

Samuel Clemens - aka Mark Twain (1835-1910) humourist and novelist (quote: "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.")

sanitation-type person - sanitary person

santanic lyrics - satanic

Santa Marosa - Santa Ana (Mexican general)

Satsuma wrestler - Sumo wrestler(note: There was a Satsuma clan in medieval Japan)

save it for prosperity - save it for posterity

Save a tree, kill a forest - Plant a tree, Save a Forest

schweating - sweating (Calvin adds 'sch' sound to many words that start with 'sw')

scolmuncha - something large attached to something else (like Jimmy Durante's nose)

second-wife-to-be-at-the-time - fiancée (second marriage)

septic pencil - styptic pencil (contains alum, used for staunching minor cuts during shaving)

Sergio-Dimergiac - Cyrano de Bergerac (see also Cereal de Bergerac)

Sesame Street Balls on my hamburger bun - sesame seeds on hamburger bun

set the president - set the precedent

sexual dentures - sexual gestures

Shall we tallyho? - Shall we go? (Calvin literally said, Shall we incite the foxes for the hunt?)

Sharon Stallone - Sharon Stone (movie actress, film: Basic Instincts)

shied me away - shooed me away

shrimp ala grout - shrimp au gratin

shrimp mummylade - shrimp remoulade

side language - sign language

side-distracted - sidetracked

silent hush - (best guess) solemn hush

sky hook - an imaginary device that, suspended in the sky, one can attach a hook to for raising things (note: with satelite technology, this may become a reality someday)

slip of the error - (combination of slip of the tongue and error)

snorkeling - snarling (snorkeling is swimming while head underwater, breathing through a snorkel)

So it be said, let it be written. - So it is written, so let it be done.

Someday, over the rainbow - Somewhere, over the rainbow

soup du jour - it's supposed to change every day -- it means the daily special soup or soup of the day.

speak twice for me - say it twice for me

splender, splurge, and bluster - (best guess) a splendid splurge of money with a lot of noise.

stalagmites - stalactites (come up)

STAR guidelines - used at Calvin's plant to mean: Stop, Think, Act, and Review

starving and thirsty for affection - starving for affection

steady rock fingers - fingers as steady as a rock

Stencil - Stetson (a cologne)

Steven Steelsburg - combination of Steven Siegel(actor) and Steven Spielberg (director)

stop blistering me - stop laying bliss on me

strawberry-flavored cherries - strawberries

stuck-up ding-dong in my throat - crumbs from a Ding-Dong snack cake caught in my throat

sugar-free raisins - (best guess) raisins that did not come from a cereal box

sunspot - (best guess) a sunburned spot

T&M - Calvin favorite movie genre: Tits and Monsters

take my meaning - understand me

take that to the cleaners - take that to the bank

take my potluck chance - take potluck

". . . talk about the boy with big old tittie." - ". . . talk about the boy from New York City."

talk of conversation - talk of the town

Tally whackers - combination of tadpoles and polliwogs

Tell us what we gotta do, Big Pilgrim - (if you listen carefully you can hear the John Wayne imitation)

ten days of nights - or is that ten nights of days - ten night shifts in a row

the whole 9 yards - according to Calvin: 10 feet long

the waitress played it to the "T" - the waitress played it to the hilt

the big O. C. - the big ocean

the five continents - according to Calvin: A, E, I, O, U

the lifetime of my heart - (best guess) the lifeline of my heart

the finger is quicker than the motion - the hand is quicker than the eye

the flaw in the ointment - the fly in the ointment (spoken by Charlie, indicating that Calvinism is infectious)

the french bone's connected to the hip bone - the thigh bone's connected to the hip bone

the Hind-Lick maneuver - the Heimlich Maneuver (life-saving body manipulation to discharge clogged food causing choking)

the light inflection - the light reflection

The Miracle on Fifth Avenue - Christmas favorite movie: The Miracle on 34st Street

the pain of victory and the agony of defeat - the joy of victory and the agony of defeat

the rhythm section - the rhythm method

the spores in my arm - the pores in my arm

The Unforbidden - correct movie name is The Unforgiven

the water is starting to psyche me out - (anybody's guess)

the water's all over the dam - that's water over the dam

the woodwork - out of the woodwork

there were definitely stars in the air tonight! - I saw stars tonight!

they make my eyes blurry - they are a blur in my eyes

thing-thing - euphemism for penis

thirsting for food - hungry

thirty degree - third degree

Thou guess thou takes a walk over to thou's car and gets thou's clubs? - (Thou's guess is as good as mine - but here's my best guess anyway) I guess I will walk over to my car and get my clubs.

Thou shalt return - I will return

thousand days - three years is more than a thousand days (by three months)

threading on thin water (or ice) - treading on thin ice (what kind of "thread" would it be?)

throwing in your three cents - throwing in your two cents

tile - style

TLC - acronym for tender loving care

to get his Band-Aid - to get his bandage

to light a fire under your flame - to light a fire under you

to coast me - to coax me

Tom, Dick, else Harry - Tom, Dick, and Harry

tone blind - combination of color blind and tone deaf but only affects color matching

took the ball by the hand - took the bull by the horns

too much of a long horse - too much of a long shot

too many hands in the fire - too many irons in the fire

too many other shit on my mind - too much shit on my mind

torrentially soaked - combination of soaked and in a torrential downpour

tracheometry - tracheotomy

tread marks in your drawers - skid marks in your drawers

Trilogy Pursuits - Trivial Pursuits (popular board game during 1980's)

trips when he chews gum - he can't walk and chew gum at the same time

Tumble, tumble, toil and trouble - from Macbeth: Double bubble, toil and trouble

turnaround - (industry jargon) the period of time a unit is down for repairs or refurbishing

turn beak red - turn beet red

twelve hours of sunlight and twelve hours of daylight - correct definition of equinox is 12 hours of daylight and 12 hours of darkness.

twisted me on - twisted my arm

two indentions in my chest - two depressions

two-story concrete slab - a concrete slab for my two story house

tye-acky sauce - Teriyaki sauce (sweet dark sauce used on stir fries)

undercooked poetry - undercooked poultry

Unless you get the hang of it, you'll be alright. - Once you get the hang of it, you'll be alright.

Unos, dosos, tresos - unos, dos, tres (one, two three in Spanish)

Vaseline Expensive Care lotion - Vaseline Intensive Care lotion

veal cutlass - veal cutlet

Venus the Miler - Venus de Milo (famous statue in the Louvre, Paris, female figure sans arms)

very secretarial - very much like a secretary

vials and continents - vowels and consonants

victim of blind innocence - combination of innocent victim and blind justice

Viepmanese - Vietnamese

Virginia Tree - virginity

vowels, mountains, and continents - vowels and consonants

walked in on potluck - (best guess) took potluck

wham, bam, shamalamb - (best guess) one, two, three (to describe three sharp steps)

wandering ears - said of someone who overhears something

Wandering minds - Wondering minds

wang-dang ding-dong - (best guess) wingding

wet my thirst - drink something

what are you, a mirror? - (best guess) I just ran into you like you were a mirror.

what the future lies - what lies in the future

when the fire hits the ice - (best guess) when the shit hits the fan

whippersnippers - whippersnappers

white water rapiding - shooting white water rapids

who's driving should dedicate where he wants to go - who's driving should dictate where he . . .

Willie Pride and Charlie Nelson - Willie Nelson and Charlie Pride (Country singers)

Willow Beast - wildebeast (African herd animal that is known for mass migrations)

wings on our toes - wings on our shoes

wing-tips - straggly pieces of hair sticking out over Calvin's collar (actually used for style of men's shoes with a wing pattern on the tips)

with her hair all flabbered down - with her hair all flattened down

wonderer - (combination of wonder and a creator of wonder)

Wong-Tongue - Won Ton soup (Chinese delicacy )

World Book of Genesis - GUINNESS World Book of Records

WotWhiler - Rottweiler (large black dog, figured prominently in movie, Omen, thus the devil dog reputation.)

WYSIWIG - What You See Is What You Get (computer acronym- pronounced whizzy-wig- it is a noun)

Yankee Southern voice - (best guess) heavy Southern drawl- it sounds foreign - like a Yankee

you spark my flame - you light my fire

you blew my bubble - you busted my bubble

you got ESPN - you've got extra-sensory perception (ESP)

you gotta fail second grade to get to that high - (anybody's guess) used to refer to higher math

you cease to amaze me - you never cease to amaze me

You beat me to the cake! - You take the cake!

you can't squeeze blood out of a tournament - you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip

You cut me from the knees - You cut me at the knees

You don't know what my eyes look like - You can't see through my eyes. (physiological fact.)

You loosen my bones and rattled my brain - You shake my bones and you rattle my brain (from Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis)

you were the cake - you took the cake

you'll ruffle my dandruff - you'll ruffle my feathers

You're in galoots - You're in cahoots

your handy cock - your John Hancock (signature)

Yukon and Ireland - Yucatan and island

If you have experienced problems recalling the correct phrase after reading Calvin's creative interpretation of it, this glossary is for you. Consider it as an antidote or a RESET button for returning control of your original language capability to you. While preparing this glossary, I first put the correct translation for "beat you with a red-headed child" as "beat you with a red-headed stepchild" which was close -- the correct phrase being, of course, "beat you like a red-headed stepchild." Like a good parent holding a spoon of medicine in front of your mouth, I say, read on, it's good for you.

Now that you've found the term you were interested in, perhaps you'd like to try another of the Collection of 20 Humorous Essays.
For background information on how the Book of Calvin came about, read Book 1.

To Read a Specific Essay, Click on Its Number:
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Click to Go Back to the First Essay of the Book of Calvin
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