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Embarrassment is best defined as "secret pleasure" -- here's some examples:
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob?
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type of golf balls I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I
think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned red and
walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,
"Price check on lane thirteen, Tampax Super Size."
That was bad enough, but the stock manager at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, his
voice boomed back over the intercom:
"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
6. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just knew that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled,
"See, Mom? it's just farts!!"
people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd
7. What happens when a weatherman predicts snow but none happens:... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too --- they were laughing so hard!
This is a true
story and it had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days. The very
embarrassed female news anchor will, in the future, likely think more carefully before she
adlibs on the air.
8. We had just moved from California to the small New England town of Foxborough, which had only one drugstore downtown, about a block from our house near the commons. My wife Patty went to get some Kotex at Ouimet's Drugstore. She walked into the drugstore, and noticed that there were a handful of shoppers, walking around and talking, as she scanned the store for Kotex.
Not finding any, she walked up to the
counter where the clerk was and asked in a normal tone of voice,
"Do you have any Kotex?"
A sudden hush fell over the store. Everyone stopped talking and looked at her.
The clerk reached sheepishly behind the counter to where the Kotex was stored out of sight, and placed the box of Kotex in a paper bag.
When Patty got home, she told me the story and said that she was convinced that she was the first person in the history of Foxborough to say the word, "Kotex" out loud in Ouimet's Drugstore.
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