~~~ Tidbit of Humor: Parent & Grandparent Stories: ~~~
Tidbits are Informative or Humorous Collection of Sayings
Collected, Edited, Used, and/or Laughed at by
Bobby Matherne ©2003
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Tidbits are Informative or Humorous Collection of Sayings
Collected, Edited, Used, and/or Laughed at by
Bobby Matherne ©2003
This Web Page Contains Material Collected from an Email Received and Edited Subsequently by Bobby Matherne.
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Parent & Grandparent Stories :
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Let me tell a few true stories about my grandon, Gabriel. . . Bobby Matherne
One December his mother went to pick him up from nursery school when he was about four. The director of the school came to the door laughing and barely able to talk.
"It's your son," she blurted out between laughing when she saw who it was.
"What did he do now?" my daughter asked.
"He went to the restroom right after we had been singing Christmas Carols and we could hear him singing Jingle Bells through the door. He was going,
"Jingle Bells, uhn! uhn!
Jingle Bells, uhn! uhn!
Jingle all the way. uhn! uhn!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When he was 12, he went fishing with his dad, and for the first time, he had to learn to put bait on a hook properly. He tried and tried and it kept falling off. His dad showed him again and again the proper way, and finally Gabe got it right. He raised his arms in the air in triumphant and yelled, "I have mastered baiting!" == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting
them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?"!
I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor.
She told him, "I'm writing a story."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I
continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these
yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last Commandment. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her
what
it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not
take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait for his father to get home to tell him about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In
the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the
submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it
was the 20,000 leaks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I
did,
Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming
after us with flashlights,"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm
four."
His dad nearly fall out of the boat he laughed so much. For the rest of the trip Gabe was called the "Master Baiter."
"You're both old," he replied.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I
don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
== == == == == == Kids Say the Funniest Things == == == == == == == == ==
Many thanks to Dennis Clark for sending along this addition to my Parent & Grandparent Stories Tidbits page on June 25, 2007.
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"== == == == == == Kids Write the Funniest Things == == == == == == == == ==
Many thanks to Fritz and Michael Lawrence for sending along this addition to my Parent & Grandparent Stories Tidbits page on June 26, 2007.
Children's Science Exam
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum I forget where the sun joins in this fight.Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight============================================================
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