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~~~ Tidbit of Humor: Puzzles and Unsolved Mysteries of Life ~~~


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Tidbit of Humor: Puzzles and Unsolved Mysteries of Life

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Many thanks to Glenn Martin and other Anonymous Authors for sending along these Tidbits of Puzzles and Unsolved Mysteries of Life.

Random Shots:

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
5. Life is sexually transmitted.
6. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
7. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
8. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
10. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
11. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Life's Puzzles:

1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. What's another word for thesaurus?
7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
9. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to betroubled and insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
29. Why do they report power outages on TV?
30. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
31. Why is it in the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird, and
32. now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it normal? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
33. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
34. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
35. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
36. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? Aren't they both dogs?
37.If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
38.Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
39.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
40.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
41.Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
42: What is the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything?

Everyday Unsolved Mysteries:

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why did the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my ex-boss's desk, he had a work station...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, ishe still wrong?

Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

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