Site Map: MAIN / Tidbits / This Page


~~~ Tidbit of Humor: Quotes from Real Resumes, Cover Letters, and Appraisals ~~~


Web www.doyletics.com

Tidbits are Informative or Humorous Collection of Sayings
Collected, Edited, Used, and/or Laughed at by
Bobby Matherne ©2003


This Web Page Contains Material Collected from an Email Received and Edited Subsequently by Bobby Matherne.
2004 Photo of  Bobby Matherne. To Contact Bobby, Click Here!

To Submit a Tidbit for these Webpages, Click Here!
Return to MAIN TIDBITS PAGE.

== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
==== Like this Tidbit? Recommend it to a friend! ====
http://www.recommend-it.com/l.z.e?s=703791
==== Need a new, Dependable ISP/DSL in a Hurry? ====
Check out: http://www.earthlink.net/
==== Also check out our Cartoon Page at: http://www.doyletics.com/vjtoons.htm

== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==

Tidbit of Humor: Quotes from Real Resumes, Cover Letters, and Appraisals

== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==

Many thanks to Tom Friedman for sending along this Tidbit of Useful Information August 16, 2002.

Quotes from Real Resumes and Cover Letters:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: Often. Children: Various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Appraisals:
Thanks to Jeff Parsons for sending new ones along, Nov. 15, 2006.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but without the plastic thingie to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
31. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. He's so dense, light bends around him.
4. Bright as Alaska in December.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Enjoy this Tidbit?
Subscribe to our Good Mountain Press Monthly Digest now.
To Return Here from that page, Click your BACK button when Ready.
For a Sample of a Recent Digest on-line. Click Here

Over One Million Good Readers a Year as of 2004


Web www.doyletics.com
Are you in pain? Unhappy? Angry? Anxious? Feel down or upset by the world situation? Plagued by chronic discomforts like migraines or tension-type headaches? At Last! An Alternative Approach to Removing Unwanted Physical Body States without Drugs or Psychotherapy, e-mediatelytm!
Click Here to Visit to Discover for Yourself How Fear, Anger, and Anxiety are Endangered Species From Now On!
>

Counselor? Visit the Counselor's Corner for Suggestions on Incorporating Doyletics in Your Work.
Click here to Return to Home Page!



e-mediatelytm is a Trademark of 21st Century Education, Inc. Prototyped 2000.