~~~ A Grab Bag of ~~~

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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. His last words were, "Oo! hoo-hoo-ooo!" He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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At Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport today, a man was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a tee-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. Homeland Security later discovered that he was a public school math teacher.

At a morning press conference, a spokesman said the man is being charged by the Dept. of Homeland Security with carrying weapons of math instruction. They believe the man is a member of the world-wide Al-gebra movement.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to the common denominator of the Axis of Evaluation with Coordinates in every country.

When asked if he will be brought to trial, the math teacher said, "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles liked to say, 'There are 3 sides to every Triangle.'"

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The Atheists' Holiday Submitted by Dave Lyons, New Orleans on April 4, 2005, a few days late to wish our atheist friends a Happy Holiday. How do you say Happy Holiday to an Atheist? Read on. Thanks, Dave!

P. S. If this isn't a true story, it ought to be. My friend and Biblical exegete Edward Reaugh Smith informs me about the "fool" language, "In the RSV it appears in the canon 95 times, but the ones that immediately occur to me most often are the ones in Mt 5,22 and Lk 12,22."

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case.

The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah .and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter, even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date--- April 1st!"

The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." - Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1

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A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. She was still groggy from surgery. Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced themselves for the latest news.

That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing. At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces, they already knew she was perilously premature.

Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs. "I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly as he could. “There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one." Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived. She would never walk, she would never talk, she would probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on.

"No! No!" was all Diana could say. She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four. Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away. But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for David and Diana.

Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially 'raw,' the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love. All they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl. There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger. But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there. At last, when Dana turned two months old, her parents were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were next to zero, Dana went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.

Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young girl with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that happy ending is far from the end of her story.

One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in Irving, Texas, Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the bleachers of a local ball park where her Brother Dustin's baseball team was practicing. As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell silent. Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, "Do you smell that?" Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."

Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?" Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain." Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced, "No, it smells like Him. It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest." Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play with the other children. Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known, at least in their hearts, all along. During those long days and nights of her first two months of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well.

Making Paper Submitted by Shirley Anne Cox on Jan. 21, 2005:

Daniel, age 3, and Jacob, age 2, were watching one of their favorite DVDs in their Uncle Mike's room. Fearing the unacustomed quietness Daniel's mother, Elizabeth, peeked into the room to find both boys bent over lookiing excitedly into the computer's printer. With his hand on the paper feed button, Daniel said, "Look, Momma! We're making paper." She had to laugh at those two boys standing so proudly in a pile of clean white paper that they were sure they had made on their own with no help from anyone else.

Playing Tennis with a Handicap Submitted by Mickie McGee, Lincolnton, GA on February 20, 2005:

My uncle ran a little mom-and-pop Western Auto store in our small Georgia town. One exceptionally cold winter day, he, my aunt and my mother were standing around the little gas floor heater in the back of the store when the local tennis coach came through the front door and began to browse at the sports equipment counter. My uncle shouted greetings up front to the man saying, "Goodness, Garnett, don't tell me you're going to play tennis as cold as it is outside?" The tennis coach shouted back, "Well, I am, if my balls don't freeze!"

There was a stunned silence . . . then the sound of the front door closing as Coach Garnett suddenly realized what he said and zipped out of the room.

My uncle, aunt, and mother laughed hysterically for so long they wore themselves out!

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At Your Service.

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In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Cable Service
Trash Pickup Service

Starbucks Service

Technical Support Service

Civil Service
Social Services
Selective Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

After a lifetime of using this services I became confused about the word "service." What they did to me was not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

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Dealing with Life the Easy Way.

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Thanks to Tony Celino for sending along these gems of wisdom by Glenn Klinksiek.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. (RJM Corollary: "Some lessons are more expensive than others.")

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Life is short! Work hard, play hard and relax as if you don't have to be anywhere important anytime soon.

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The Wright Stuff — Not Orville, Steven with his One-Liners.

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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the man who said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." With that as a warning, he also said:

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever-so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

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Morning Coffee — Who Brews? Who Knew? Answer Below

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Morning Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I don't mind waiting for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No, You should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replied, "I can't believe that, show me!"

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him the Table of Contents where it said, "HEBREWS."

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Simplification of Spelling with Euro-English

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If this works in Europe, we expect English in America will be the benefactor of this simplified spelling wave.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which is the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

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What is Globalization?

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Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Armenian,
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegals,
and finally sold to you by Jews.

That, my friend, is Globalization!

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The al-Gebra Terrorist Plot and WMI:

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At Heathrow Airport recently, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious 'al-Gebra' movement.

He's being charged with carrying WMI (weapons of math instruction)

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True Story of a Soldier with no Right Hand:

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At Walter Reed Medical Center in Washington, DC recently the Sergeant Major of the Army, Jack Tilley, was with a group of people visiting the wounded soldiers.

He saw a Special Forces soldier who had lost his right hand and suffered severe wounds of his face and side of his body. The SMA wanted to honor him and show him respect without offending, but what can you say or do in such a situation that will encourage and uplift? How do you shake the right hand of a soldier who has none? He decided to act as though the hand was not missing and gripped the soldier's wrist while speaking words of comfort and encouragement to him.

But there was another man in that group of visitors who had even brought his wife with him to visit the wounded who knew exactly what to do. This man reverently took the soldiers stump of a hand in both of his hands, bowed at the bedside and prayed for him. When he finished the prayer he stood up, bent over the soldier and kissed him on the head and told him that he loved him.

What a powerful _expression of love for one of our wounded heroes! What kind of a man would kneel in such humility and submission? It was the wounded man's Commander-in-Chief, George W. Bush; a true leader.

This story was told by the SMA at a Soldiers Breakfast held at Red Arsenal, AL, and recorded by Chaplain James Henderson, stationed there.

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Assorted Poems:

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I received this poem by Emily Dickenson in an email this month from Ruth Anne Mistead and would like to share it with you. It speaks to the props that people use in their daily work as crutches that may be dropped once they truly understand the work they do. Also applies to life as the scaffold of death eventually drops one's body back to the Earth and affirms for each one a Soul:

The Props assist the House
Until the House is built
And then the Props withdraw
and adequate, erect,
The House support itself
And cease to recollect
The Auger and the Carpenter --
Just such a retrospect
Hath the perfected Life —
A past of Plank and Nail
and slowness — then the Scaffolds drop
Affirming it a Soul.

This famous poem by John Milton, the blind poet, entitled "On My Blindness" I received from "sb" on the thinkforum List and deserves some pondering:

XIX
When I consider how my light is spent,
E're half my days, in this dark world and wide,
And that one Talent which is death to hide,
Lodg'd with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker and present
My true account, least he returning chide,
Doth God exact day labour, light deny'd,
I fondly ask; But patience to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts, who best
Bear his mild yoak, they serve him best, his State
Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o're Land and Ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and waite.

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Assorted Brain Cramps:

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
— A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
— John Wayne

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
— Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
— Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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In Memoriam: Common Sense (5,200 B.C. — 2,002 A.D.)

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United States from heart failure on the beginning of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits had no power over Common Sense.

He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more that you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the industrial revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technical Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math". But his health declined when he became infected with the "If it only helps one person, it's worth it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned, but overbearing, regulations.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, Churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than their victims, and Federal Judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, when a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations, such as those for the low flow of toilets, rocking chairs, and step ladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; His wife, Discretion; His daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two step-brothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

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The Dachshund and the Leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me a leopard."

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Bad American [Not written by George Carlin — he apparently doesn't have a sense of humor when it comes to straying from the Hollywood message of what the world should be like — for credits, see View, Source] :

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever cancelled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one? AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes parents. Amen again!!!!!!

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

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Today's Stock Market Results:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationery.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

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True Story:

One day in the mid-1970's a young man stumbled into a diner somewhere in the United Sates. Slung over his shoulder was a kit-bag that contained everything he owned. He was unshaven and needed a shower badly. He had very little money, but enough for a phone call.

He rang his bank and asked how much was in his account. A woman's voice informed him, to his amazement, that the balance in his account was four million, three hundred thousand dollars. His name was Richard Bach. Six months before, he had submitted a short story, barely 10,000 words long, to a New York publisher. For the last three months he had been living the life of a nomadic 'barnstormer', sleeping in fields under the wing of his bi-plane. He had been completely unaware that his manuscript, titled 'Jonathon Livingstone Seagull', had become a run-away best-seller.

Miscellania:

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."...

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo...

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

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Desiderata:

Go placidly among the noise & haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly & clearly, and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful.
Strive to be happy.

Anonymous (These words are reported to have been found in Old St. Paul's Church, Baltimore, Maryland, 1692)

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HONORARY SUBSCRIBER

Today's Honorary Subscriber is the famous computer scientist Frederick P. Brooks Jr. (b. 1931), who, in the early 1960s, was manager in charge of engineering, marketing, programming for the proposed IBM/360 family of computers, which revolutionized computing by offering a group of seven computer systems, both small and large, but all capable of processing the same instructions in exactly the same way.

In 1964 he established the computer science department (only the second such department in the country) at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. In 1985 he became one of the first recipients of the National Medal of Technology presented by the President of the United States.

In his famous book, "The Mythical Man-Month" (1975), he argued that project schedulers who used the concept of the "man-month" were engaging in fallacious reasoning, because the very concept of a "man-month" was imaginary and "mythical":

"Cost does indeed vary as the product of the number of men and the number of months. Progress does not. Hence the man-month as a unit for measuring the size of a job is a dangerous and deceptive myth. It implies men and months are interchangeable.

"Men and months are interchangeable commodities only when a task can be partitioned among many workers with no communication among them. This is true of reaping wheat or picking cotton; it is not even approximately true of systems programming.

"When a task cannot be partitioned because of sequential constraints, the application of more effort has no effect on the schedule. The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned. Many software tasks have this same characteristic because of the sequential nature of debugging.

"In tasks that can be partitioned but which require communication among the subtasks, the effort of communication must be added to the amount of work to be done. Therefore the best than be done is somewhat poorer than an even trade of men for months...

"Since software construction is inherently a systems effort — an exercise in complex interrelationships — communication effort is great, and it quickly dominates the decrease in individual task time brought about by partitioning. Adding more men then lengthens, not shortens, the schedule."

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HONORARY SUBSCRIBER: SAMUEL GOLDWYN

Today's Honorary Subscriber is the colorful and legendary movie producer Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974). Born Shmuel Gelbfisz in Warsaw, he arrived in the United States in 1899 and became a successful glove salesman before eventually getting involved in show business. His first film production company released The Squaw Man in 1914, directed by Cecil B. DeMille.

Goldwyn was ousted from the company before the merger that produced Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, but his roaring lion trademark remained as the symbol of that company. He created a new organization called The Samuel Goldwyn Company, specializing in films with high production values. Among the more than 70 films he produced were Porgy and Bess (1959), Guys and Dolls (1955), The Bishop's Wife (1947), The Best Years of Our Lives (1946), The Pride of the Yankees (1942), The Little Foxes (1941), The Westerner (1940), and Wuthering Heights (1939). A man with a special way with words, he is famous for such wonderful "Goldwynisms" as:

"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
"I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
"Gentlemen, include me out."
"A hospital is no place to be sick."
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
"I read part of it all the way through."
"If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."
"Our comedies are not to be laughed at."
"Never make forecasts, especially about the future."
"The most important thing in acting is honesty. Once you´ve learned to fake that, you´re in."

"I don't want yes men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."
Some of these were no doubt apocryphal, but most were the real Goldwyn. One time an ad man wrote copy for a forthcoming Goldwyn movie that read:

"The directing skill of Mamoulian, the radiance of Anna Sten, and the genius of Goldwyn have united to make the world's greatest entertainment." Goldwyn said: "That is the kind of ad I like. Facts. No exaggeration."

Once when asked by his secretary if she might throw out some old files, Goldwyn said, "Sure, but make copies of them first.

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Wordsmith Enjoyment:

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition. [Note: a few stretch these rules a bit.] Here are this year's winners:

1) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopeler effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10) Sexpurgate (vt.) To remove any words that suggest the characters in a book actually have sexual intercourse with each other and replace with a euphemism, e. g., "You can guess what happened next." /P>

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without patrons.

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The blood supply of the world.

13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

16) Reintarnation (n.) Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

17) Ignoranus (n.) A person who's both stupid and an asshole. .

18) Glibido (n.) All talk and no action.

19) Karmageddon (n.) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

20)Giraffiti (n.) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

21) Sarchasm (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

22) Inoculatte (v.) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

23)Hipatitis (n.) Terminal coolness.

24) Osteopornosis (n.) A degenerate disease.

25)Relatantivy (n.) A large family reunion.

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Rules to live by:

Basic Assumption (a): For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Law of Desire: The more you want it, the quicker the letdown after you get it.
Law of Genius: No boss will keep an employee who is right all the time.
Law of Management: Everyone you need is always someplace else.
Family Axiom: One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
Rule of Searching: You can always find what you're not looking for.
Subcommittee Law: If you leave the room, you're elected.
Observation of Life: Everyone who does not work has a scheme that does.
Freeway Axiom: The driver behind you wants to travel five miles per hour faster.
Party Law: The more food you prepare, the less your guests will eat.
Law of Taxes: Whatever goes up, stays up.
Roman Rule: The one who says it can't be done shouldn't interrupt the one doing it.
Law of Climatology: Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo.
Common Sense Rule: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Dumb Luck Rule: You can always hit what you don't aim at.
Working Man's Paradox: Doing it the hard way is always easier.
Law of Discovery: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
Law of Life's Highway: If everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane.
Special Occasion Law: Nothing ever comes out as planned.
Law of Management: You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge.
Rule of Supervision: The one time you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks by.
Observation of Life, part 2: The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
Computer Law: The most useless tasks are the most fun.
Basic Assumption (b): The good ones are taken.
Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes.
Kitchen Rule: Anything is edible if it's chopped finely enough.
Observation of Life, part 3: You can't fall off the floor.

Observation of Life, part 4: It takes children three years to learn Part 3
Basic Assumption (c): Don't worry . . . Nobody gives a hoot anyway.
Law of Statistics: No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone that knew it would.
Law of Assembly: The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Delectable Inanities:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of check.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is called plagiarism; to steal from many is called research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Etymology and the Facts of Life in the 1500's:

Many people were poor. There were tiers of being poor.
       Piss Poor: During that urine was used to used to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day a family member took it and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were piss poor.
       If the family didn't have a pot to capture their urine, they "didn't have a pot to piss in."

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. From that practice came our custom of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water". Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived on the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 post beds with canopies.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold".

They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme:

"peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years.

Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers — a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trencher were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".

Humorous Observations:

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE!
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said,"The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Forgotten Lore:

In Baltimore, in the mid 1800's there was a man who sold corpses to the hospital for research. He stored the cadavers in cheap whiskey to ferment them before turning them over to the researchers. He then sold the whiskey to the medical students... thus the term "rot gut."

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in- law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the honeymoon."

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the Navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Things You Might Like to Know:

Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Smartest dogs: 1)Scottish border collie 2)Poodle 3)Golden Retriever.
Dumbest: Afghan hound.
The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%

Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not renumber their channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
"Hang On Snoopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. [Bobby Note: I lifted one with a shovel thinking it was dead till I noticed it looking at me. That one was definitely conscious but not moving.]

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades-King David
Clubs-Alexander the Great,
Hearts-Charlemagne, and
Diamonds-Julius Caesar.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, the time displayed o a watch is 10:10. (I've also heard 8:20 — that's so both hands can be easily seen.)
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi diver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand

Quick Wit:

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Thoughts on Life:

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Southern Quotes:

1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornflakes.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Fun with English:

We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Words of wisdom from Andy Rooney:

I've learned....that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned....that when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned....that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned....that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned....that being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned....that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned....that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned....that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned....that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned....that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned....that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,the faster it goes.
I've learned....that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....that money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned....that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned....that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned....that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned....that love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned....that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned....that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned....that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned....that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned....that life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned... that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned....that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned....that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned....that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned....that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned....that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned....that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned....that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.
I've learned....that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

The Bible according to kids:

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Irreverent One-Liners ~~~~~~~

[CAUTION: Do Not Proceed Without Your Sense of Humor in Place.]

What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?
A religious movement.

What happened to the Pope when he went to mount olive?
Popeye almost killed him.

Why don't black women make good nuns?
They cant say "superior" after "mother".

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

How can you recognize an Italian airline?
The planes have hair under their wings.

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chicken.

Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
Every time he gets a hard -on, the garage door opens.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the mornings?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
Her ankles swell up when she farts.

Why is it so great to be a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They like a tight seal.

What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub scouts.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.

Did you hear about the woman in San Francisco who was walking down the street and was attacked by three men?
Two of them held her down while the other one did her hair.

Why do Italian men have mustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
Nothing grows in the shade.

Why don't pigmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the string.

Why is pubic hair curly?
If it was straight it would poke your eyes out.

What' s green and red and goes 1000 mph?
A frog in a blender.

Why don't Pollacks eat M&M's?
The have too much trouble peeling them.

What do you do when a epileptic falls in your pool?
Throw in your laundry.

Why did God create man?
Because you can't teach a vibrator to mow the lawn.

What do they call kids born in whorehouses7
Brothel sprouts.

Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
So she could moan with the other one.

What's the difference between a pervert and a kinky person?
A pervert uses a feather and a kinky person uses the whole chicken.

How do you know if a Jewish girl has had a orgasm?
She drops her nail file.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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