~~~ Tidbits of Humor: Blondes Have More Fun ~~~
Tidbits are Informative or Humorous Collection of Sayings
Collected, Edited, Used, and/or Laughed at by
Bobby Matherne ©2003
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Tidbits are Informative or Humorous Collection of Sayings
Collected, Edited, Used, and/or Laughed at by
Bobby Matherne ©2003
This Web Page Contains Material Collected from an Email Received and Edited Subsequently by Bobby Matherne.
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Two blondes walk into a tanning salon.The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?"
"Heck, no, we aren't even Catholic!
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and Help me !"
"I have a difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a second, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a cocktail, and then..." he sighed...
"then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Two blondes in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening. There was a beautiful full Moon hanging low in the sky.
One blonde turned to the other and said, "Which do you think is farther away: Florida or the Moon?"
The other blonde looked up at the Moon and said, "Hellooo! Can you see Florida?
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: The UNIVERSAL 710 AUTOMOBILE ATTACHMENT
Many thanks to Jeff Parsons for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor September 20, 2011.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==BLONDE STORY: The 710 Automobile Attachment
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten".We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, it’s right there.' The mechanic nearly fainted. By God, she was right! There it was, just where it's always been! You've all seen it on one car or another over the years.
If you're still not sure what a 710 is, look at the first photo below this message.
If you think this story is a fluke, check out the other Blonde Stories on this webpage.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Driving While Knitting
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor August 29, 2007.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Three Blondes Apply for FBI Position
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor August 11, 2007.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Three Blondes applied for the last available position with the local FBI office.
The agent conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said "So you want to be FBI agents, huh?" The blondes all nodded.
The agent got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be an agent, you have to be able to be a detective. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The agent shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The agent then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The agent put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a side view of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The agent turned his attention to the third and last blonde and thought: “This is probably a waste of time, but . . " He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man is wearing a contact lens."
The agent frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Blonde Meets Blonde
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor April 27, 2006.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car when she was pulled over by a blonde police officer in her squad car.The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
Finally she looked up at the blonde cop and said, "What does the license look like?"
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The blonde finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Blonde Discovers a New Sports Injury
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor April 15, 2006.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Blonde Discovers the Amazing Technology of the Cell Phone
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor April 15, 2006.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know where I was?"
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Blonde Discovers the Amazing Technology of the Thermos Bottle
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor April 15, 2006.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==A blonde was shopping at Macy's and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the sales manager to ask what it was.
The manager said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her secretary saw it on her desk "What do you have there?" she asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her secretary inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Blonde Get Eye Examination
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor April 15, 2006.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "why are you getting so emotional about getting glasses?"
"You see, Doctor," agreed the blonde, "I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Blonde Goes on Mercy Mission
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor August 17, 2005.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==A blonde was driving her car about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the San Diego Zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World!"
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==Tidbit of Humor: Blondes Stranded During Power Failure at the Mall of America
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for suggesting this Tidbit of Humor Nov 14, 2004.
== == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==At the famous Mall of America in Minneapolis a power outage hit during the middle of a busy weekend shopping day.
Security guards were sent to rescue 39 blondes who were stranded in various parts of the large indoor mall.
Eventually security guards located all the blondes and escorted them to safety from the escalators on which they had been stuck for several hours.
No one was hurt, but guards reported that three of the blondes complained about the time they lost from their shopping trip, one had cracked the finergnail polish on her middle finger, and three more were in tears and had to re-do their makeup. All the rest were still talking on their designer cell phones when the guards arrived and interrupted their conversations briefly to thank their rescuers.
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Tidbit of Humor: Blonde's Two Horses
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for sending along this Tidbit of Humor Nov 8, 2004.
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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
Another neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
Her boy friend suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black, and never had a problem telling them apart again.
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Tidbit of Humor: Blonde Goes to Miami
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A blonde bought a plane ticket to Miami in Coach. When she got on the plane she sat in First Class.
The stewardess checks her ticket once she's seated, and tells her, "I'm so sorry, this is a Coach Ticket and you are sitting in First Class."
The blonde refuses to leave, so the stewardess leaves to get the pilot. The pilot comes to First Class, leans over and whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up and moves back into the Coach Seaction.
The stewardess looks amazed and says,"What did you say?"
The pilot said, "I told her First Class isn't going to Miami, only Coach."
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Tidbit of Humor: Blonde's Mom Dies
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that her mom died too!"
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Tidbit of Humor: Blonde and the Double-Insulated Windows
Many thanks to Ginger Thiele for sending along this Tidbit of Humor Jan 30, 2004. == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
I am an 82 year old senior. I am tired of people treating me like I am an ignorant young child. Last year I had several windows in my house replaced. They were the expensive double-insulated, energy efficient windows.
This week I received a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and that I had failed to pay for them. My gracious, did we go round and round! I told him that no one pulls a fast one on this old lady! Even though I am a senior citizen and I was a blonde in my younger days that doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!
I proceeded to tell him exactly what his salesman told me last year: "In one year, they will pay for themselves"!!!
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Tidbit of Humor: Blondes and Hailstorm
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for sending along this Tidbit of Humor June 2, 2003. == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
Tiffany, a platinum blonde, was driving home after work, and got pelted in a heavy hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to Bob's repair shop. Bob was very busy, so he decided to have some fun with Tiffany. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. He figured she'd be back the next day when it didn't work.
Tiffany went went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and asked, "What are you doing?"
Tiffany told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
"HELLLLOOOO! ... You gotta roll up the windowwwws! ! !"
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Tidbit of Humor: Blondes Have More Fun
Many thanks to Cynthia Waters for sending along many of these blonde Tidbits of Humor. Also thanks to Ginger Thiele and several other collaborators. == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
Blondes Have More Fun
Blondes Choose a Christmas Tree ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for the perfect Christmas tree.After hours and hours of subzero temperatures and a few closecalls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree we see. I don't care anymore whether it's decorated or not!"
Blonde Jogger Helps Out ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
A blonde from Miami was visiting some friends in Wisconsin for the Christmas holidays. As she does every day to keep her figure, she went out jogging in the morning --- despite the freezing cold weather. As she was jogging along she saw this truck pass slowly and noticed something strange. Wanting to be helpful she ran alongside the cab of the truck and rapped on the window, shouting to the driver, "You're losing your load." The driver ignored her. She did it again. Finally, the driver rolled down his window, "Lady, I'm putting salt on the road."
A Blonde's Word Processor ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Word Processor for Blondes.
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A Blonde's BMW ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
How do you know it's a blonde's BMW? Read the license plate.
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The Blonde's Two Dogs ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^
A girl was visiting her blond friend and noticed that she had just acquired two new dogs. "What's their names?" she asked.
"I call one Timex and the other Rolex," she replied.
Her girl friend said incredulously, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOoo!" said the blonde, "they're Watch Dogs!"
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The Blonde Buys Curtains ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."
The surprised salesman replies:
"But, madam, computers do not have curtains!!!"....And the blonde said:
"Helloooo....? I've got Windows"!!!
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The Blonde and the Jigsaw Puzzle ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then . . . ," he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Blonde's Auto Tip ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Blonde's Speeding Ticket ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Blonde Exposure ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you ware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD! I left my baby on the bus again!"
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The Blonde on the River Walk ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You are on the other side."
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Blonde on the Sun ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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Blonde With a Vacuum ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
A blonde was playing Trivia! l Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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The Blonde's Final Exam ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam ! in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
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The Blonde's Husband ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
And finally a Blonde gets to speak out for her maligned sisters:
One day my husband, decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the Washing Machine?""It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Dallas Cowboys"
And they say we blondes are dumb.
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The Blonde at McDonald's ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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The Blonde at the A&P ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
I was checking out at the local A&P with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the blonde at the register had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" --- looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
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The Blonde at Work ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
A blonde at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
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The Blonde with the BMW ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
I recently saw a distraught young blonde weeping beside her BMW. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno." Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
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The Blond Intern ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Several years ago, we had a blond Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
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