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~~~ Tidbit of Humor: Famous Quips and Humorous Sayings ~~~


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Collected, Edited, Used, and/or Laughed at by
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Tidbit of Humor: Famous Quips and Humorous Sayings

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Many thanks to 1) Fred Langa, Ken Thomson for these Famous Quips on August 28, 2003. 2) Doyle Henderson etal for these Tidbits of Humorous Sayings May 17, 2001. 3) Edward Reaugh Smith for the Brass Monkey Story on Jan 16, 2004.

Brass Monkey Saying

Ever heard the expression, "It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey?" Sounds a little obscene, doesn't it? But it's also a rather descriptive term that has its origin in the days of sailing ships with cannons.

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a 'Monkey'. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass 'Monkeys'.

Few landlubbers realized that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey"!

Famous Quips:

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
- John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

Things You'd Love to Say at Work but Can't:

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
6. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
8. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
11. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
12. Do I look like a people person?
13. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
14. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
17. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
18. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Pithy Thoughts:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating another endangered animal?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

......and more

1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
6. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
12. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
13. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? Can you spin him the other way by occident?
16. A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
17. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
18. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
21. Banning the bra was a big flop.
22. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
23. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
24. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
25. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
26. Alarms: what an octopus is.
27. Dockyard: a physician's garden.
28. Incongruous: where bills are passed.
29. Khakis: what you need to start the car in Boston.
30. Oboe: an English tramp.
31. Pasteurize: too far to see.
32. Propaganda: a gentlemanly goose.
32. Toboggan: why we go to an auction.

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