The Book of Calvin
A Collection of Humorous Essays
Copyright 2002 by Bobby Matherne
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Calvin Meets His Heaven
Chuck, I think I met my heaven!" With these words Calvin greeted his associate at the door to his office. Chuck, an expert in understanding Calvin's unique mode of expression, quickly assumed this was one of Calvin's combination phrases and guessed he meant that he had just met the girl of his dreams and that she was heavenly. Chuck had long ago learned that when you ask Calvin for clarification you only got more obfuscation, that is, more Calvinisms.
"That's great, Cal. Where did you meet this apparition of ethereal delight?"
"She's not an apparatus, she's a dental assistant. I went to the dentist because I broke off one of my molder points and there she was -- leaning over me. Oh, Chuck, I think the love vampire done bit me-- she made my heart flubber. It was ESP -- extra sensual perception. She gave me some aspirin for my toothache, but I told her the pain was in my mouth, not my head. She laughed and handed me two aspirin. When I took the aspirins from her I noticed my fingernails were dirty. As soon as I left there I went to the manicurist to get my curios pushed back."
"Did you get her phone number?"
"Oh, yeah, Big Boy, it's a done did. We're going to Florida together this weekend."
Just then the phone rang on Calvin's desk and he walked over and picked it up. The voice on the phone said, "Hello, is Calvin there?"
Calvin said, "Yes, would you like to speak to him?" Then suddenly remembering himself, he blurted, "Oh, it's me!" Aside to Chuck, "It's her, Chuck. She's from Alabama -- she's got that Yankee Southern voice."
Chuck wandered off to get himself some coffee and left Calvin on the phone with his new heart throb. Since divorcing Katrina, his third wife, right after finishing the new house for her, Calvin had not been dating much and Chuck was relieved to see his friend all enthused over a new lady friend. When Chuck returned Calvin was talking animatedly over the phone and suddenly hung up the phone with a bang.
"What's the matter, Cal? Problems with the new girl?"
"Nah, I already finished talking to her. That was Katrina -- she called right after you left. She now wants me to pay for landscaping a house I never lived in. Can you beat that? I'm so mad, I'll castrate her!"
"Castrate her?"
"Yeah, cut her head off! It's a good thing Rusty's off today. She would have heard that nasty word I said over the phone."
"What's that?"
"It begins with F and ends with U,C,K -- firetruck."
"Calvin?" a voice came from the other room and Tim walked into the office.
"Oh, it's you Hot Smiley!"
"Yeah, Cal, look, you playing golf with us tomorrow?"
"I don't know, Tim, I feel like my entire life has been drained from me. I'm wimped. I just got off the phone with Katrina and she's asking for more money. Now she wants $5,000 for some grassy sod she had put in. She said it's my duty. It aggravated me when she said it the first time, and then she began re-illerating."
"I'm glad it's not me," Tim said, "I couldn't handle that. My expenses match my outgo."
"Yeah, mine too, Bigun."
Just then Tim broke wind and Calvin jumped out of his chair to get away from him.
"You're flat disgusting -- I bet you got tread marks in your drawers."
"Come on guys," Tim said, "let's go get some lunch -- I just made room for some food."
The three walked across the street to where Cindy, their favorite waitress, worked. As they walked, Calvin's mood had lightened and he was a-singing away, ". . . talk about the boy with big old tittie."
"What d'ya have today, boys?" Cindy asked as she gave them menus.
"Hi, Cin, you're sure looking dirt and pretty. I think I'll have some of that shrimp ala grout I had last Friday. I tried your other on-the-tray but it was too schweet."
"Okay, shrimp au gratin for Calvin. Didn't I see you at City Lights last night, Calvin, with some blonde chick?"
"Nah, you couldn't have seen me -- I was incardeato."
"Okay. What about you, Tim, what can I do for you?" Tim gave her a leer and she promptly corrected herself. "Excuse me. I meant to say, 'Is there anything on the menu you would like?'"
Tim and Chuck placed their orders and Tim watched intently as Cindy walked back to the kitchen to place their orders. Turning finally to Calvin, he asked, "Did you find out if Danny's gonna be the fourth tomorrow?"
"No, you know how hard it is to get Danny to make a decision -- it's like picking teeth from Danny."
"I'll call him and tell him we're going to the LSU golf course -- that'll help him make up his mind. He really likes that course."
"Me, too," Calvin said, "I especially like going to see the LSU Bingo Tiger mascot."
"That's Bengal Tiger, Calvin"
"You don't have to speak twice for me, Big Boy."
"What's the name of your new girl, Calvin?" Chuck asked as they started eating.
"I guess wandering minds want to know, huh, Chuck? Her name is Annabelle. That's an Alabama kissing cousin type name , but she lost her Virginia Tree when she was nineteen. But that's okay, I had my first child when I was eighteen."
"You couldn't keep that thing in your pants, could you?" Tim asked.
"It was a wandering lizard alright."
"So you've gone from wandering to wondering?"
"Yeah, it wonders where it's going next. Pretty girls have always been my Achilles heel. I guess my momma must held me by the foot of my heel when I was baptized. What I'm really looking for is a nipplemaniac or maybe just a regular girl and I'll give her an appledaysiac."
"From what I've heard, you and Mikey are two of a kind."
"I don't think I can repuddle that, Chuck, and you're only hearing the tip of the iceberg. That fits the cake, don't it?"
"Speaking of cake, where's our dessert?" Tim asked.
After dispatching the bread pudding with rum sauce in three large gulps, Tim said, "Where's the bill?"
Calvin, handing him the check, said, "Here, it's all there in black and blue. Read it, weep it, and sign it. I gotta rent a place for the weekend in Florida, so make it snappy."
"Here, Cindy, take this and keep the change," Tim gave the money to Cindy and the guys began walking back to Calvin's office. "You just lucky it was me that was eating with you instead of Gilbert. You ever see that man eat a donut? He takes ten minutes to eat one donut -- napkin in one hand, donut in the other. I bet he gets a uniform turd. Mine, I get lumps in it. I must eat some things whole. Mr. Luke, my boy, had a big one the other day. It was this long. (Tim held his hands about eight inches apart.) I told him, 'Luke, you did a big job!' 'Oh, thank you, Daddy!' He gave me a high five. I told him to go get his mommy to come see. When she got to the bathroom, he said, 'Look at this, Mommy.' She turned away saying, 'I don't want to see this.' I went over and looked in the bowl -- the turd was drydocked on the side of the bowl."
"Ooo -- grossify! That's a day that will live in infiny," Calvin said.
Back in his office, Calvin dialed a number while Tim and Charlie sat down and were talking about golf. Finally Calvin got his party on the phone, "Yes, sir, this is Calvin. I was wondering do you have any condoms for rent?"
Tim and Charlie laughed so much they were red in the face and holding their sides. Calvin finally had to hang up the phone.
"Tim, you titless wonder -- Chuck, you dog bag! You're in galoots with each other. Stop your gackling! I couldn't hear myself think. That's it! No more words will wander from these lips . . . my lips -- that's where I do most of my thinking. I guess my mouth moves faster than my brain. Well, I'm not sitting here like a lump on a log, I'm gonna rent me a con . . . a cottage for the weekend for me and Annabelle."
"You didn't tell us -- is she pretty?"
"Yep, and I even saw her with no make-up and with her hair all flabbered down." Calvin reached over to his water cooler and filled a cup. As he drank it he began to choke on the water. Coughing, he said, "I think the water is starting to psyche me out."
"Cal, before I go, can you locate those tickets to Hillcrest that you didn't use last month? I think they're still good and I'd like to use them if you're not."
"Sure, Chuck, they're around here somewhere," Calvin said as he began rummaging around in his desk. "Eurethra! Here they are! Remember you gotta take the Perkins Road exit off the I-10."
"No need to repeat the instructions, Cal, I think I can find it."
"I was just giving you the upper hand. Unless you get the hang of it, you'll be alright."
"Thanks, Cal. Have a good weekend, " Chuck took his tickets and left the office.
Tim came over to Calvin's desk and, in a lowered voice, said, "Look, Calvin, don't you go getting married again. Three strikes and all that. Do what my daddy told me, he said, 'Tim, if you gotta live with somebody, just find yourself a clean man.'"
"But I think I need a woman, Tim."
"Use your brain, Cal."
"I'm more intelligent than my brain."
"Get yourself a nanny, then, bend her over the washing machine -- get her on the spin cycle." Tim came over closer to Calvin. "Look at you! You got hair sticking out of your nose. It looks like a monkey's behind."
"I know, I got hair all over the place -- it's that hairy medicine I take for my transplants. I got so much hair on my butt that I need one of those funny French toilets, a beignet (pronounced ben- nyah')."
"Great, then you could wipe it and powder it at the same time."
"Tim, your hiney-hole hurts."
"Well, have a good time in Florida. I'll see you Monday."
"Thanks. Bye."
As soon as Tim left, Calvin drove home. On the way he picked up several dozen crickets to feed his fish at home. He'd heard that bass liked crickets and he had a small large-mouth bass he'd been raising in a forty gallon aquarium. As the fish had gotten bigger it had become a challenge to keep the fish's appetite satisfied. "I'm kinda scared of bugs," Calvin told the guy at the fishing shop, "How do I get the crickets into the fish tank?"
"Well, maybe you could cut a hole in the bottom of the paper bag," the guy behind the counter told him.
When Calvin got home he went straight to the fish tank, took the cover off, cut a small hole in the bottom of the bag, held it out as far away from himself as he could. With his head turned away and his eyes tightly shut, he waited for the crickets to fall into the tank. With his reduced skin sensitivity due to diabetes, Calvin had not felt the crickets crawling over his hand.
When he finally opened his eyes, thinking surely all the crickets had fallen into the tank by then, he screamed when he saw that his hand was covered with crickets. The crickets had crawled out of the hole and climbed up the bag to his hand. He threw the bag as far away from him as he could and the crickets fell all over his living room.
He was sure glad he was going away for the weekend.
For the next two weeks he was unable to sleep due to the sounds of the crickets in his house.
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