The Book of Calvin
A Collection of Humorous Essays
Copyright 2002 by Bobby Matherne
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The Rolodex Watch
This is one of my favorites and a good example of the fun Calvin has with the English language. Bobby Matherne
Calvin, I hear you went to Jimmy’s big party last weekend,” Chuck said, “did you enjoy it?”
“No, Big Boy, all they played was backwoods country music by Willie Pride and Charlie Nelson -- they gave me a headache after awhile.”
“Was it a costume party?”
“No, it was one of those come-as-you-want parties, so I wore my high waters and my new Rolodex watch,” Calvin said, proudly holding his wrist up to Chuck’s face. “How do you like it? I got it from Acorn’s Jewelry Store on Canal Street.”
“A Rolodex watch?” Chuck asked, “Can you look up phone numbers on it?”
“No, Chuck, but it’s got an oyster shell case that’ll stand up to an earthquake and a double warranty.”
“Oh, did the salesman give you a rough time?”
“Yeah, Big Boy, he really rumpled my feathers -- how did you know?”
“Just a wild-ass guess, Cal. Have you set the time yet? It must be tough to turn that tiny stem.”
“No problem for me -- I got steady rock fingers. It was a good thing I wore it to Jimmy’s party. The music was so loud the ground trembled -- it probably set off the seismic monitors at the plant.”
“Aw, come on, you’re exaggerating.”
“No, Chuck, I know my seismic,” Calvin said, moving his hand first up and down and then left and right., “its horizontal and its vertical.”
“What direction is the horizon, Cal?”
“Up and down.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Calvin said, moving his hand up and down, “the sun comes up in the east and goes down on the horizon. See, Chuck, I know where I’m coming from.”
“Hey, Tim, Calvin was just telling about Jimmy’s big party,” Chuck said to their friend who had just joined them.
“Was the food good, Cal?” Tim asked.
“The spaghetti and meatballs was Exclamento!” Calvin said. “It looked like I had just walked in on potluck.”
“What about women, any hot chicks there?”
“There was one gal there who looked like Sharon Stallone from Basic Instincts.”
“Did you see Playboy Video last night?” Tim asked. “They showed the gal from Basic Instincts -- they replaced her with a beaver and the sign “beaver shots.” She must have dyed that thing to get the hair so blonde -- and used lipstick on the lips. You remember the crayon colors when you were a kid? My favorite was pink -- that color.”
“Tim,” Chuck said, “I think you could convert anything into a sexual episode.”
“That’s right, Chuck, want to try me?”
“Okay, Easter egg hunt.”
“When they bend over and you pop ‘em,” Tim shot back, without so much as taking a breath. Chuck was duly impressed.
“Looks like you were right, Chuck,” Calvin said, “Tim’s a regular Sergio-Dimergiac.” Calvin was obviously impressed, too.
“Did you see Playboy Video, Cal?”
“No, Big Boy, I watched 60 Minutes. It was about these two burglars that broke into this house and beat the occupants mercifully. They were convicted but the judge canceled their lives and gave them five years probation.”
“Serves ‘em right, I say.”
“Anyhow, I got a show last night while I was in the bathtub. I was just washing, a-splashing, and a waddling and singing ‘Hey Dude’ -- that’s my version of Hey Jude --when I heard the couple in the next apartment knocking and banging on the walls. I turned off the water to listen and I heard a woman’s voice going ‘oooh, aaah, ...’ -- she sounded like she was doing a hieroglyphic dance -- then suddenly my thing-thing parachuted up! Well, guys, I gotta go get me some lunch across the street. Thou shalt return.”
“Thou?”
“Hamlet Chapter 2, Scene 3.” He turned to go and bumped into Steve, who had just come up behind him. “Oh, get outa the way, Steve, what are you, a mirror?”
Across the street in the break room Calvin was fixing a sausage to heat up in the microwave oven when some of the juice squirted out onto his pants leg about 4 inches below his crotch. Later, he walked over to the vending machines where Rusty was standing and she noticed the spot on his pants and said, “Calvin, look at your pants.”
Calvin looked down and said, “Oh, I sprung a leak in my sausage. Look, I’m gonna buy me a side of chocolate -- you want some?”
“No, thanks, Cal, I’m on a diet.”
“Rusty, I need to know one question: you got two quarters for a dime?”
“Calvin, you mean two nickels for a dime?”
“Right, it was a slip of words, okay?”
“Higher math, huh, Cal?”
“Yep, you gotta fail second grade to get to that high.”
“Did they start work on your new house, yet, Calvin?”
“Boy, did they! When I got back from California last week, my two-story concrete slab was up. Now I’m trying to find some concrete timbers for my flower beds.”
“I got some for my flower bed from Home Depot last week. They just got a shipment from San Antonio, Texas, you know, where the Alamo is.”
“Sure, that’s where Santa Marosa conquered the Texans and stole Davy Crockett’s coonass hat. No, wait, it was Santa Anna -- he was a faggot. He was the biggest conqueror since Genghis Khan, that Chinese-Mexican.”
“You sure know your history, Calvin,” Rusty said respectfully.
“So, long, Rusty, gotta get back to Tim and Chuck,” with those words Calvin skipped out into the street and began singing, “the french bone’s connected to the hip bone . . .” as he ambled across the street.
As he approached his friends, Tim was in the middle of one of his long-winded stories.
“...and she had the prettiest titties - you know how when you step in a red ant pile on a sunny day the ants cover the top and they’re all shiny? That color. She had freckles on her legs, spots on her legs like a redfish. That reminds me of that freckled saleslady the other day at the Mall when I had Mr. Luke -- that’s my 6 year old son -- anyway she was so good-looking, I was gonna tell her, ‘If the Lord made anything better than you, He kept her for himself.’ but I had Mr. Luke with me.”
“Yeah, you was afraid he’d tell his momma,” Chuck interjected.
“Well, maybe. One day, Mr. Luke was in the pool with me, and kept hanging on my back. I told him to hold onto the wall so I could swim, but he jumped right back on top of my back. His sister Katie said, ‘Kick your feet, Luke’ and guess where he kicked me? In the balls. I told him, ‘You ever hear of drowning, boy?’ So I think he’s more afraid of me than of his momma. Did I ever tell about my grandfather? They called him Baby-Face.”
“Yeah, you did, Tim. Several times. Well, Calvin, how was your sausage? Did you cook it like Steve told you to?” Chuck asked, glad to change the subject.
“Juicy, Big Boy, juicy. But I ain’t minding Steve, I’m wringing him out,” Calvin said, moving his hands as if he were wringing out a towel.
“Look, Calvin, if you had cut the sausage the way Steve told you to, you wouldn’t have that greasy spot on your pants.”
“Now don’t you be throwing in your three cents, Bigun. Besides Chuck knoweth not what he saith.” Calvin said, then he paused a bit, and noticing the puzzled looks, added, “I was just quoting Socrates, you know. Besides all of you know I follow the STAR guidelines, Stop, Think, And Retreat!”
“Calvin, you make too much sense for the average man,” Chuck said.
“Oh, yeah? Look who’s calling the kettle black!”
“I rest my case.”
And to this day Calvin goes on making too much sense.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ Glossary for Book of Calvin Essays ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
Now that you've read one of my favorites, try another one from this Collection of 20 Humorous Essays.
For background information on how the Book of Calvin came about, read Book 1.
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